I choose to believe

This is probably the hardest post that I will ever write.

It will be reflective of who I am right now, what we've been going through, and the vulnerability that I am feeling.

But it's also something that I truly believe in and want to share.

Many of you may or may not know anything about all of this, but here's a little background. Paul and I moved to Birmingham right at a year ago. Paul had just graduated from MUSC after four long years of studying to become a dentist, and was starting a one year general practice residency at UAB. I had decided to take a leave from teaching after four challenging, tough years of teaching in Title 1 schools, and would just nanny for a couple of families. This year was going to be a year for new beginnings, fresh starts, and adventures all along the way. While we have enjoyed our time in Birmingham, making some incredible, life-long friendships, living in a great city, and learning a lot about ourselves, we have also gone through some very difficult, unexpected trials.

Almost a year ago, I was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". After four failed rounds of infertility treatments (aka, nightly hormone injections), plus a failed IUI, we made the decision to stop treatment so my body could essentially recover from the injections and the failed IUI. This was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Hands down. Ever since I was a little girl, all  I have ever wanted to be was a wife and a mommy. My first dream came true on June 14 when I married my best friend. However, the journey to motherhood has been more difficult. Each month started with a sense of renewed hope, and ended with an "I'm sorry, we have to stop". Each month, hearing the doctors tell me we had to stop treatment because I was at risk of hyper-stimulating was heart breaking.  When we finally found the right combination of medication to proceed with an IUI, I was hopefully that I might actually get pregnant after so many failed months (with and without medication). When I found out it had failed...I can't express the sense of loss and hurt. There are no words. I was angry and sad and frustrated and questioned "why?". "why me?", "why us?". Had I done something to cause this? I didn't understand. And at times, I still don't.

And now, we are getting ready to move in less than three weeks. Paul has been looking for a job as a dentist in upstate SC, but due to the economy and older dentists not wanting to retire and leave practicing, he has been unable to find a job. And with the economy still being down, and schools having to cut budgets more and more each year, I have been unable to find a teaching job. We had been really hoping for this one opportunity in Clemson to work out, a dream situation for the both of us; but, yet again, the dentist decided he just didn't want to give up the practice. And it felt like a six foot steel door had been slammed in our faces. Another shut door. Another dead end. Another "no". Another dream come crashing to the floor.

I was angry. And I cried a lot. And I didn't know if  I could take anymore heartbreaking no's.

And I got mad at God. I justified it by saying "even David got mad at God and cried out to Him in the Psalms". So I decided to open my Bible and find those Psalms and read those cries and empathize with David's frustration. And this is some of what I found:

"Save me, Oh God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God. ... Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink... do not let the flood waters engulf me, or the depths swallow my up, or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, oh Lord, out of the goodness of your love. In your great mercy, turn to me." ~Ps. 69: 1-3, 14-16

"Why are you downcast, oh my soul? Why so distraught within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God" ~Ps. 42:11

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble" ~Ps. 46:1

"But as for me, I trust in You" ~Ps. 52:23

"Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption" ~Ps. 130:5

I realized that it was ok to be upset, but I had to let it go. My hope is not in this world. My hope is not in a job, or a baby, or the dream life I have always wanted. My hope is in the LORD. He is my hope, my strength, my refuge, my comfort, my Savior, and my King. And while there have been so many doors closed for us this year, there is a reason.

" "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"." 

~Jeremiah 29:11

I have a bracelet with this verse reference inscribed on it- it was my life verse for much of high school and college, but one I had forgotten this year. The Lord has a plan for us. We may not be able to understand what that plan is now, and that's hard. Extremely hard. But He does have a plan. A perfect plan. And I will continue to trust in that and wait.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory" ~Ephesians 3:20-21

This year, I could have been really angry for a lot of reasons. I have had more disappointments, let downs, and struggles than ever before.

But I refuse live my life being angry and mad.

I choose to believe and have faith and have hope. I choose to believe in a God who loves me more than I will ever know. I choose to have faith in Him, and in that He knows and understands what we are going through. I choose to put my hope in the One who laid down His life for me, who died for me, so that I might live.

I choose to live for Him.

God Bless.